


To this day

by lilarose300



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Slice of Life, Songfic (?), Suicidal Thoughts, but Evan is with him, the video makes Connor sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15687462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilarose300/pseuds/lilarose300
Summary: Connor and Evan are trying to have an amazing night alone. Evan mention this video that they could watch together. They decided to watch it together since Evan really wanted to give it a try and Connor couldn't resist his charms. It just a video for Connor, what could go wrong?Apparently your life showing before his eyes.(or: Connor reacting to the video 'To this day')





	To this day

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! Here is an other fic from my amino. The youtube video 'To this day' is by the poet Shane Koyczan and he is awesome. I recommend to listen to it. I hope you will like it. I'm warning you, there is a high probability of you to cry over this.

It was a calm saterday night. Birds aren't singing, flowers aren't blooming. On nights like these, kids like us, can get murdered in alleys...

*sigh*

I watch too much Jared playing that game. He begins to infect me.

Anyway, tonight, me and Evan decided to have a sleepover at his house. His mom said she wouldn't be here until late, so we have the house for us. I was looking for something on Evan's laptop, trying to find something cool to watch while he was making popcorn in the kitchen. I grumble in irritation when I find nothing. I see Evan come back after my failed attempt to find something.

"Did you find something in-interesting?" I just said I did not.

"No. Do you know what we could watch?"

"Well, maybe."

"What's the name?"

"Well, I-it isn't a show or a movie. It just something my mom heard about at her work? This woman came with her girl and talked about a video on YouTube and I think she liked it."

"That could be cool if we know what's about."

"Well, I don't know the details, b-but it's a poem."

"Lame. Next!"

"Poems are great, Connor! It's maybe not that bad if someone likes it."

"Yea, a 45 years old mom?"

"Just, please? Can we try it? We have nothing and we will still try to find something for an hour if we don't watch it."

I guess this isn't a choice then. I know because after it will be the 'kicked puppy' phase and I can't stand it two seconds. I sigh before saying "What is the name of that video?" I see him smile before he comes sit beside me and set the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.

"If I remember, the name was 'To this day' by um... Shane Koyczan."

"Heh, what a lame name."

"It's not like he choosed i-it, Connor."

"Ok, I'm just making a quick search."

I go on google and tap 'Shane Koyczan' and I find something interesting. This man really does exist and he's a Canadian poet and writer and that poem 'To this day' was a video gone viral after he writed it for a conference. This video was actually popular for whatever the subject that was talked in it and for a contest that was to put it in an artistic video to maybe better picture the message? I don't know, but damn, there is like, what, more than 100 person that was in the contest and I don't know how many are in the video (of course, I didn't see it yet).

"Are we ready?"

"Um, yea."

I find the video with ease and I look at it for a couple of seconds. It's like 4 year old but wow there was almost 600k like on it. Well, doesn't mean that I will like it, I'm not really like everyone who click on the like button of the video. I press play and stare at it.

**When I was a kid**

**I used to think that pork chops and karate chops**

**Were the same thing**

**I thought they were both pork chops**

"It's already starting weird"

"shh"

"...."

I guess he likes poems. Could be a plus for later.

**And because my grandmother thought it was cute**

**And because they were my favorite**

**She let me keep doing it....Not really a big deal**

Well at least grandma is trying.

**One day**

**Before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees**

**I fell out of a tree**

**And bruised the right side of my body**

"This is oddly familiar, isn't it?"

I got Evan's elbow in my ribs before laughing softly.

**I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it**

**Because I was afraid I'd get in trouble**

**For playing somewhere that I shouldn't have been**

Well, it's your own damn fault for climbing a tree. This poem gets weirder and weirder and I don't understand the message in it. At least the art style that changed every 3 or 4 seconds was tolerable and somehow cool.

**A few days later, the gym teacher noticed the bruise**

**And I got sent to the principal's office**

**From there I was sent to an other small room**

**With a really nice lady**

**Who asked all kind of questions**

**About my life at home**

Urg, those people are annoying. I saw someone like that one time and I'm pretty sure he was as tired as I was at the time.

**I saw no reason to lie**

**As far as I was concerned**

**Life was pretty good**

**I told her "Whenever I'm sad**

**my grandmother gives me karate chops"**

Stupid, why did you said that!

**This led to a full scale investigation**

That was predictable.

**And I was removed from the house for three days**

**Until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruise**

The grandmother told about the pork chops story? That must be embarrassing

**News of the silly little story quickly spread through the school**

**And I earned my first nickname**

**Pork Chop**

Oh

**To this day**

**I hate pork chops**

Well, shit. That's not a funny thing this dude had at school. I think I remember my first nickname too. Crazy. This video is making me feel weird. I hoped it was finished but I realised we're not even at half of the video yet.

**I'm not the only kid**

**Who grew up this way**

The image used for this simple line meaned a million of things. It was obvious that those kids were bullied.

**Surrounded by people who used to say**

**That rhyme about sticks and stones**

**As if broken bones**

**Hurt more than the names we got called**

**We got called them all**

**So we grew up believing no one**

**Would ever fall in love with us**

This... this sting. That thing he just said was 100% right. When I say that, I mean me. Because, well, who would like someone like me?

**That we'd be lonely forever**

I thought that for a long time. Maybe since the age of 12, maybe younger. That's what you think if people avoided you like the plague and laugh at you in your back but when you turn around, you see no one or they have already turned their heads around.

**That we'd never meet someone**

**To make us feel like the sun**

**Was something they built for us**

**In their tool shed**

I never thought that I would meet someone to make me feel like the Earth or the sky was built for me. I didn't even thought someone could make me feel loved. Evan proved me wrong on that. He proved that I was so wrong about that. Still, a part of me can somehow feel and fear that he doesn't like me, that he pity me. I wouldn't be mad at him if this is even the truth.

**So broken heart strings bled the blues**

**As we tried to empty ourselves**

**So we can feel nothing**

**Don't tell me that it hurts less than a broken bone**

He is kinda right ...again. I-I never really got in love before Evan, just a few crushes. But each time I tried to tell those people that I loved them, they laughed. I don't know when I stopped doing this. Maybe at the same time that I started smoking. When I feel like shit, I go hide and smoke weed. It helped me, It got rid of my emotions. It feels ok for a while, but when the feeling of numbness go, I just feel worst. Emptying our hearts really does hurt more than broken bones.

**That an ingrown life**

**Is something surgeons can cut away**

**That there's no way for it to metastasize**

**It does**

When adults think that I have nothing and that I can't know if I have depression because I'm too young or not qualified or that I want attention. Maybe I want attention, for someone to notice that I'm not ok.

**She was eight years old**

Ok we totally changed subject and story.

**Our first day of grade three**

**When she got called ugly**

Who gave themselves the right to call a little girl ugly? What is wrong with those kids?!

**We both got moved to the back of the class**

**So we would stop get bombarded by spit balls**

That's all the teachers did!? Did they got themselves in the back? Did those teachers really that incompetent to notice that?

**But the school halls were a battleground**

**Where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day**

**We used to stay inside for recess**

**Because outside was worse**

This feeling was familiar, but a bit different. Outside was an escape from my problems. Inside was worse.

**Outside we'd have to rehearse running away**

**Or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there**

Inside, I had to fight alone against the world. Trapped between four walls all the time, perfect to get beaten up at the time when I wasn't strong enough to actually hurt the ones that outnumbered me. Do you know what the worst part is? It's when you know that there is a teacher that see you or hear you scream but there is one chance out of two that they will help you.

**In grade five they taped a sign to her desk**

**That read 'beware of dog'**

Shit what is wrong with them? What did she do to get this?

**To this day**

**Despite a loving husband**

**She doesn't think she's beautiful**

**Because of a birthmark**

**That takes up a little less than half of her face**

That-that's it? She got bullied for something she can't control and that she was born with? What is wrong with you guys?

**Kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer**

**That someone tried to erase**

**But couldn't quite get the job done**

**And they'll never understand**

**That she's raising two kids**

**Whose definition of beauty**

**Begins with the word mom**

They are right. you're beautiful

**Because they see her heart**

**Before they see her skin**

She is not only beautiful inside, but oustide too, I bet.

**Because she's only ever always been amazing**

**He**

**Was a broken branch**

**Grafted onto a different familly tree**

**Adopted**

And we changed story again. Why did he have to be adopted? Adopted kids into movies or things like this almost always have sad stories!

**Not because his parents opted for a different destiny**

**He was three when he became a mixed drink**

**Of one part left alone**

**And two parts tragedy**

A car crash

**Started therapy in 8th grade**

**Had a personality made up of tests and pills**

He is still lucky. My parents wouldn't get the chance to scrap their reputation to send their already broken son to therapy.

**Lived like the uphills were mountains**

**And downhills were cliffs**

**Four fifths suicidal**

**A tidal wave of anti depressants**

Still, this guy is a bit like me. Everything seemed difficult for me before I met Evan and at any moment I felt like I could just get to the highest building in town and jump from it.

**And an adolescence of being called popper**

**One part because of the pills**

**Ninety nine parts because of the cruelty**

He is like me. He was popper, I am stoner. This title is stuck in me until the end of high school, maybe it will go on after college. Will I ever go in college?

**He tried to kill himself in grade ten**

**When a kid who could still go home to mom and dad**

**Had the audacity to tell him "Get over it"**

Sometimes, I get home to my family and Larry waiting to say to me "Get over it"

**As if depression is something that can be remedied**

**By any of the contents found in a first aid kit**

**To this day**

**He is a stick of TNT lit from both ends**

**Could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends**

**In the moments before it's about to fall**

If I was a stick of TNT, I wouldn't have the time to describe the sky. I would have already blew up out of anger at everyone. To my family, to other teens, to adults and, one day, to Evan. And it's a day that I fear.

**And despite an army of friends**

**Who all call him an inspiration**

**He remains a conversation piece between people**

**Who can't understand**

As I think more and more about my parents, my sister, who can never understand how hard it is to be me, I feel my face get warmer and my heart get squeezed more.

**Sometimes becoming drug free**

**Has less to do with addiction**

**And more to do with sanity!**

My heart skipped a beat before I felt like a knife was trusted in my chest. It's awful how this poem is right about everything I knew.

**We weren't the only kids who grew up this way**

**To this day**

**Kids are still called names**

Yes, and it becomes harder to live with those names.

**The classics were**

**Hey stupid**

**Hey spaz**

I never got called by those names. My classics was "Hey junky!" "Hey school shooter!".

**Seems like each school has an arsenal of names**

**Getting updated every year**

**And if a kid breaks in a school**

**And no one around chooses to hear**

**Do they make a sound?**

Did I make a sound? One time in my life, did I make a sound?

**Are they just the background noise**

**Of a soundtrack stuck on repeat**

**When people say thing like**

**Kids can be cruel?**

Kids are not only cruel. They are fucking monsters, and adults are not better.

**Every school was a big top circus tent**

**And the pecking order went**

**From acrobats to lion tamers**

**From clowns to carnies**

**All of these miles ahead of who we were**

**We were freaks!**

School isn't only a circus tent, it's also hell incarnated.

**Lobster claw boys and bearded ladies**

**Oddities**

**Juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle**

**Trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal**

I try to heal with Evan. But before, I didn't tried to heal the scars that were on my heart and my arms.

**But at night**

**While the others slept**

**We kept walking the tightrope**

**It was practice**

**And yes**

**Some of us fell**

I just started to notice now that I got less oxygen in my lungs than before. It started to be a bit harder to breath at this part of the video. I still feel my face warm without knowing why it did that.

**But I want to tell them**

**That all of this shit**

**Is just debris**

**Leftover when we finally decided to smash all the things we thought**

**We used to be**

Why does this video get me so much? It's a poem, damnit! Why do I feel like I'm those three persons at the same time? Bullied because of rumors, because of my appearence, because of my problems.

**And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself**

**Get a better mirror**

**Look a little closer**

**Stare a little longer**

I tried that for years, but every time I looked at myself, I wanted to punch the mirror for making me look at something so horrible.

**Because there's something inside you**

**That made you keep trying**

Of course I'm trying. Trying to be better. But how the fuck can I do that when everyone say that I will fail, huh? Can you respond to that shit?!

**Despite everyone who told you to quit**

**You built a cast around your broken heart**

**And signed it yourself**

**You signed it**

**"They were wrong!"**

............................

**Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique**

Because of who I am. Because people are scared of me.

**Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything**

Because they are afraid that I will hurt them or that I will explode.

**Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth**

**To show and tell but never told**

I feel like I'm dying. Nobody comes when I cry for help. Nobody. So why do I keep trying?

**Because how can you hold your ground**

**If everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it**

**You have to believe that they were wrong!**

"Connor?"

I feel a hand on mine as I hear someone call my name on my left.

**They have to be wrong**

I turn around to where I hear the sound and I see him. I see Evan, holding my hand in his and with concern in his eyes. It wasn't the only thing that was in his eyes. There was also tears.

**Why else would we still be here?**

I think I know why I'm still here.

**We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog**

**Because we see ourselves in them**

While his right hand was on mine, he took his other hand to cup my cheek. He whipped away the warm that was sticking to my face. The tears that was in my face.

**We stem from a root planted in the belief**

**That we are not what we were called**

I smiled at him and he tried to mirror me into doing the same. We got both carried in this poem, finding ourselves in their stories.

**We are not abandoned cars stalled out and**

**Sitting empty on a highway**

**And if in some way we are**

**Don't worry**

**We only got out to walk and get gas**

I put my right arm around him and get him closer. I look into his eyes and so many emotions pass in them. I can still make out what emotion comes back more frequently. Love.

**We are graduating members from the class of 'Fuck Off We Made It'**

That's a class I could graduate. With Evan, I always feel like there's hope for me to achieve almost anything.

**Not the faded echoes of voices crying out**

**Names will never hurt me**

I couldn't care less of what those voices are because now I'm closing the gap between my lips and his.

**Of course**

**They did**

Sure, those voices hurt, but I don't hear them right now. I'm only feeling the best feeling of my life. As I was kissed back by the most beautiful person on this fucked up planet, I hear in the background the last lines of this poem.

**But our lives will only ever always**

**Countinue to be**

**A balancing act**

**That has less to do with pain**

**And more to do with beauty**

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! Shit, this monster took me three days to build. A beautiful monster. Again, hope you liked it. I really fell in love with this video because I was a victim of bullying too. This video told me that yes, it was awful, but I have to be proud of me because I've made it. Millions of people out there are victims. They can be your neighbour, your friend, a classmate and even you. But you have to remember how strong you really are and to not listen to those assholes. Because one day, you will also be graduating from the class of 'Fuck Of We Made It'. I believe in all of you. If you are interested in listening to the video from Shane Koyczan, just go on YouTube and search for 'To this day'. It must be the first result you will find. Share with me your thoughts on that video or on my fanfic in the comments. Have a nice day and I'll see you guys in the next fic!


End file.
